I come from a very difficult financial past. I grew up in great deprivation and every expense incurred in my childhood came at a great emotional cost and difficulty. Now I am doing well. But the financial struggles of my earlier days I have not forgotten. How do I not let this interfere with my marital future.
Dealing with a difficult financial past
There are many men who have come out of a very difficult past financially. Many of them were subjected to a situation where there was a constant scarcity of money. It required them to work very hard and persistently over many years to eventually turn that negative situation around. This can result in a situation where such a person looks differently at money and where they are over careful and therefore does not spend easily. This situation can persist even now that they are in a better financial position. The problem facing them now is to not allow the uncertain financial past to keep them from giving their spouse the things which she deserves. How does such a man proceed to live a balanced life and not allow his fears which have been ingrained over many years to affect the way he is using his money.
People want to feel valuable
A spouse who is constantly denied basic things will soon begin to feel that she is not valuable to her husband. She might even start to think that the husband is starting to lose interest in her. This can cause serious ructions within that marriage and when the situation is not resolved quickly things could get worse very quickly. Nevertheless, research has indicated that it is better for marriage partners to have separate bank accounts. However, it will also depend on what each partner will do with that money. Positive action such as paying off some debts and in general increasing your credit score is a positive step.
There has to be a balance
Good financial acumen requires that there are reserves set aside for emergencies. However constant saving without spending on the wife and the family can over the long term do a lot of damage to a marriage. Keeping your family a happy, stimulated and exposed to necessary elements outside of the home requires that money is spent. If this is not happening in your marriage then this can result in a lot of unhappiness and discontentment. If this situation is not attended to as quickly as possible the marriage could end in divorce. There can be no doubt that wise saving has its place but when it is taken too far resulting in stinginess where a husband is not taking care of necessary things then this can be a very big problem in any marriage relationship. The happiness of your wife and the family are things which have greater value than having money in the bank.
The way forward : How does the man deal with his stinginess and his fears of struggling financially?
In some cases, therapy may be necessary to overcome that childhood trauma of never knowing where the next money is going to come from. Very few things are as damaging to a young child than to see other children having all they can ever need while that child often has to go without even basic life necessities. This can lead to deeply hidden fears and anxieties which can follow that person into adulthood if those issues are not dealt with properly. It might even be more difficult for the wife to understand if she herself has grown up in a home where there has been enough. This can make it difficult for her to understand the husband’s approach to finances. Especially so if the husband never talks about his childhood fears. In many cases, professional psychological assistance is the only viable solution.
Looking at finances objectively
The fact is that we live in a society where everything is expensive and nothing is free. Therefore to constantly worry about the expenses which is incurred by your wife or by the family makes no sense and in fact, it is illogical. Needless worrying is not going to solve anything, the best course of action will be to budget properly and to make the best of the situation. Transparency is often the best option and therefore the husband should openly discuss the financial situation of the family with the wife so that she knows exactly how matters stand. Stinginess and constantly counting every cent only creates a situation where the whole family is on edge. This is most definitely not the best way to run a family and this is also not the image which you want to convey to your children. As a father, you need to set an example and you need to teach your children how to be responsible when it comes to money.
Constant saving is not always the best solution
If your constantly saving is resulting in a situation where your family is denied basic essentials then you are failing your family. Where are all those saved dollars going to go and what is the benefit of having money in the bank when your family is constantly unhappy and deprived. The reality is that savings have only value as long as it does not interfere with the day to day functioning of your family. Denying your family certain life experiences while your savings account is growing does not result in a well-developed and well-balanced family. In the end, it is the happiness of the family which is most important and not the size of the savings account. This does not mean that one should be careless with the finances of the family. The greatest pleasure which a man can have is when he is able to provide his family with those things which make them happy and which result in them being better–developed individuals.